||[Jul. 24th, 2016|09:34 pm]
not the epiphany sunday of what you get in church with stiff-necked high brow ppl who sing songs and say things that are all politically correct, and god-correct.
But today, today, I realised for the first time in my 27 years of life that if I only had today to live, i want to spend all my time with the people who i care about and who matter a heck lot to me - my mum, joel, carmen, julia, mary-ruth and her parents, grace, joanna, and sarah... xinying, kristel and rachel. lancher, huihui...
the people who have loved me unconditionally, endlessly and through every thick and thin thing i've gone through, subjected myself to, things that threatened to hurt me and things that confused me greatly. the people who show me humanity, love, courage, and kindness. the fearless kind. I am nowhere near the depth they love with . But I can aspire to do the same.
I realised there's never enough time to tell people who love you that you really really, love them back with all your heart. And I decided to tell my mum that, that work matters so little and that family is everything that matters. And she said family never abandons you and I almost cried. I'm crying now typing this because I have been fearful so many times that I'd be abandoned by my mum and now I know that she won't ever, ever do that to me. And my heart is knotted up because of the guilt and heaviness I carry with me of having thought things that weren't true and things that hurt her, and us. And I'm letting this go.....choosing to believe that this IS my family, and family is what it is, you cannot destroy it, try as you might. You can only make it better when it's gone the lowest down of the pits.
And I texted carmen to tell her that I missed her and that I had this epiphany. And she said we can always remember to say this aloud more. we don't always remember this. not in sg, not in competitive, cut-throat sg where you can't be sure who's your friend and who's your foe sometimes especially at work... but for those i've come to trust, and love, they deserve better than the little i'd been giving all this while.
help me to love, generously, fearlessly.